So your looking to start building new relationships with others but your wanting to learn how to guard your heart from emotional manipulators and toxic people in the process.
You've dealt with people who have used your vulnerability to take advantage of you in the past and your not looking to be taken advantage of again. Well first let me start by saying that if you've dealt or dealing with someone who has taken you for granted just know that your not alone! Me and so many others have also dealt with this issue when building new relationships with people.
The good news is that I'm about to share with you one of my favorite secrets you can use to effectively guard your heart when your meeting new people. This technique is not about pushing the right people away but it's about making sure that your effectively guarding your heart while your building trust with someone.
Guarding your heart is very important while your building relationships because until you determine if the person you've just met can be trusted you don't want to assume they have the ability to be trusted with your vulnerabilities.
Which leads me to a secret relationship technique that I use with everyone I build relationships with. It's a technique that empowers me and allows me to effectively guard my heart from the wrong people while letting the right people in.
What am I talking about?
It's called the vulnerability exchange.
So, what is the vulnerability exchange? The vulnerability exchange is a technique helps make sure a relationship is growing balanced at all times, especially during the trust building process.
How it works is you always want to make sure that if you share any vulnrabilities with someone like a past story, a hurt, weaknesses, deep frustrations ext. you want to make sure that the person gives you the same level of vulnerability back.
Keep in mind that your giving vulnerability based on the level the person can be trusted, because they have proven to be trusted not because they have shared vulnerability with you.
The reason you are going off of trust instead of "if someone gives vulnerable information" to you, is because you don't want to be giving out vulnerability when you first meet someone just because they do. Also, many emotional manipulators like narcissist will make up vulnerable story's just to get you to let your guards down.
So, if you meet someone and within 2 weeks ext they are trying to know all your secrets ext. this is a red flag. You never want to give all your secrets to anyone you just meet remember trust takes time and keen observation of peoples past and present behavior. Also, you never want to rush any relationship because when your rushing your not able to think as clearly, so you may over look allot of red flags.
So take your time when building relationships and make sure someone can be trusted with your vulnerability and you'll know this from keen observation of they're past, present and references. Yes! You want to know the person before you give out the most vulnerable pieces of your heart because everyone does not have the ability to be trusted with such precious things.
So when you first meet someone your expectation should not be that of a 5 start quality person, which would be the kind of person you could share really personal things with. Having the expectation that the people you meet will be 5 star quality when you don't know them is what leads to misplace in trust and eventually heart break.
The truth is the person you've just met, that you thought was 4-5 star quality may have been a 1 star quality individual and the only way to find this out is with time and keen observation. Be sober minded during the trust building process and don't give unearned titles which leads to expectation.
If you do decide to give someone your getting to know better a title of "friend" they should always start out as a 1 star friend and after keen observation you can move them up from there or discontinue the friendship altogether without feeling like you've been used.
This is what I believe the bible meant when it said don't give your pearls to swine.
Matthew 7;6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
You always want to take people through the process of trust first.
In conclusion, in order to utilize the vulnerability exchange method effectively you want to make sure that you take three things in mind, time, portions and context. In order to determine if someone can be trusted with your vulnerability you want to take the necessary time to get to know them, without expectations and with keen observation.
Also, you want to keep emotions and the way someone makes you feel out the picture during the observation period, your looking for FACTS first, which will be seen through sober observation.
Sometimes we can let the way we feel about the person get in-between the character we clearly see. After your observation you will be able to determine the significance someone will have in your life. Meaning will you discontinue the relationship, will they be an associate, 1 star friend, 5 star friend or will you advance the friendship to dating or a business relationship ext. These are conclusions that you can come to after keen observation.
Keep in mind the observation period can be very quick, meaning most toxic people will show you there true characteristics at the beginning and if your watching with keen observation you will be able to spot them.
Also, keep consistency in mind, meaning good and bad consistent behavior patterns.
Regarding "portions", you want to give vulnerability in portions based on what the person has been proven to be trusted with. So you may only find someone should only get a small amount of trust so you share a small amount of vulnerability, or you may find someone can be trusted allot so you can give more. However, always make sure the person is giving within the same portions and equal levels of vulnerability that you are. Never leave a conversation/situation feeling vulnerable because you've given all your secrets when they have not shared even one.
Also, keep context in mind, you may find someone can be trusted to do certain task or can be trusted to have certain conversations with based on your keen observation but maybe they have not been cleared yet for more access of who you are.
Hope this helps and would love to hear your comments below, also if you would like your question featured on the next episode feel free to email me at hey@ikeashiabarr (dot) com