So your looking to start dating but your looking for that special one, someone you know that you can have fun with and create amazing memories together.
So, you decide to search Google for some dating tips and you find allot of great advice so now your all ready to go find that special one right?...
Well not just yet.
Before you go looking for that special one you will want know a couple of secrets to make sure that you open up your heart to those who can be trusted with it.
This is the exact same blueprint that I utilize for all my relationships rather friendship or romantic and it works! You may have been taught that you should give new people that you meet the benefit of doubt that they are a good person, the only problem with this is that everyone are not good people nor does everyone have good intentions.
In fact, emotional manipulators and abusers are banking on you being naive enough to actually believe this. They know that healthy individuals try to look for the good in everyone and sometimes will overlook red flags just to see the good in the person.
There has also been some very alarming statistics regarding emotional manipulators like narcissist, social paths and psychopaths just to name a few. For instance, study shows everyone 1 out of 16 Americans under the age of 65 have been clinically diagnosed with narcissist personality disorder, 4 percent of the population are sociopaths which equals about 12 million people, 1-25 people in America are psychopaths in these numbers are only representing 3 of the personality disorders.
These statistics prove that you want to be careful with who you decide to get into a relationship with because you could be entering into a relationship with a very toxic individual that could cause you harm.
The good news is that your here reading this blog post, about to learn how to effectively build trust so you can avoid much hurt or heartache in the future. The bottom line is that most of us just were not taught about how to build trust while growing up, we were simply told that we would simply learn from are mistakes.
Which is true! However, after seeing how damaging mistrust in a toxic person can be in someones life I'm fully convinced that building trust and understanding the main personality disorders in a relatable way should be taught in our high schools around the country.
The truth is that building trust with someone should not just be a bump your head process considering the first mistrust you put into a toxic person could cause some serious damage to multiple areas of your life meaning, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and in many cases even physically.
Misplacing trust will always lead to heart break and betrayal and this type of emotional trauma if not dealt with can cause you to develop a personality disorder or to push the right people away, which you don't want to do.
This entire subject of how to build trust, is not for you to utilize to push away good people but to empower you to know trust your judgement to be able to discern the good from the bad.
So does trust mean anyways? Trust means: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
So let's break down this definition a bit more...
In order to have a firm belief in someones reliability, truth and ability you will need to have seen them effectively do these things consistently through keen observation. You wouldn't just take someones word for it because people can say anything but you would look at their past, present behaviors and even get references through people that know them or who have dealt with them in the past.
So in this blog post were gonna be breaking down the elements of trust because these are very important when building trust with others.
Here are the 3 components of trust you want to rate whether someone is trustworthy with:
1). Is the person honest? In order to build a trustworthy relationship with someone you must be able to trust them and in order to trust them honesty must be important to them. If the person your building a relationship with believes lying to others is ok then this is a major sign that this person will more than likely lie to you as well.
You will be able to find out if someone is honest sometimes immediately but more than likely over time this is why taking your time to get to know someone is very important.
2). Is the person reliable? Reliability means that you can depend on the person to keep there commitments and be there for you when you need them most. For instance, if you someone says they can pick you up at 2pm to go out but they never show up or call and you call them but they dont answer or call call back to let you know a major thing came up. Then this person is obviously not someone you should consider reliable.
This does not mean that this person is necessarily a bad person or that you have to cut them out your life for good but it means you know how to deal with them in the future and how to level your expectations while dealing with them also you'll know how much access to you this individual should have.
The mistake happens when we continue to count on these types of individuals to be reliable when they have clearly shown they cant be and because we still have an expectation that they can be we end up getting hurt.
3). Does the person have the ability/skillset? This component to trust is one that is very important, because sometimes were looking for someone to be something that their not and to take on responsibilities that there character has not developed enough to handle.
For instance, you may want to be with someone that can admire all of the awesome value you have to bring to a relationship but you may meet someone who is giving all they have to give but there all is not even close to what your ready for in a relationship.
Meaning the persons best that they have to give in that moment in there life may be a personality disorder, so this is why understanding how to trust and going through a patient observation process while your meeting new people is critical to make sure that your building healthy relationships with others. Heres another blog post where I share 1 tip to avoid getting played in relationships.
Taking notes and taking your time
In order to make sure that your observation phase works smoothly I highly recommend keeping a completely separate notepad where you can write down things that catch your attention about that person be it good or bad. For instance, during the observation phase you may notice that this person is very honest and kind to those around them and has a good reputation. If so make sure to note this down.
Or you may notice the that they have a bad reputation with others and tend to burn bridges with everyone in there past, if this is the case make sure you note that down as well.
The benefits of creating notes instead of keeping all this information in your head is that your able to go back to the information you've written and look at behavior patterns. You will also have more clarity and confidence in your judgement knowing your not crazy by the things you saw.
I will also say make sure that you be as detailed as possible on the situation your noting down with dates, what happened and how that instantly made you feel. After a couple of weeks or months of doing this you will be able to go back and see good or bad behavior patterns.
Doing this with your observation is very important.
Also, make sure you give time to the process of getting to know someone, you should never rush into a relationship before you've built a solid friendship. If the person can be trusted as a friend first then they will have a good chance of being a great partner.
I personally believe 365 days or 1yr is a long enough time to truly get to know someone especially if your able to interact in person with one another and around other people. More than likely you'll be able to disqualify toxic individuals pretty quickly during the trust process, which will feel so unusual if you are used to going soley off the way you feel because this process is about making decisions based on observing consistent behavior patterns.
After you've determined someone is trustworthy then you can bring in the titles, expectations and emotions into play, because you've seen they can handle it.
Coming up with your conclusion:
After you've effectively evaluated the individual next you want to determine what position would be best for this individual based on your observation will they be an associate, a friend, business partner or dating candidate.
If you choose the option of friend I highly recommend rating what level of friend they are. For instance, I personally like to level my friends from level 1-5 and that way I know the expectations I can have for each and how much access each friend will have in my life.
Would love to hear your feedback below, also if you would like your question featured on the show feel free to contact me at hey@ikeashiabarr (dot) com 🙂