Toxic Relationships: How To Overcome Toxic People In Your Life
Encountering toxic people is the part of life that no one likes, I mean for people who are pure in heart that have no intentions on hurting others and go into relationships with the goal to improve others lives, it can take us a bit off guard to believe their are other people who are looking to do the exact oppossite.
I wanted to write this blog post, because I believe it’s a topic that is not discussed often within the body of Christ but it is an issue that many Christians and non Christians face on a daily.
I also, wanted to do this blog post because I recently had 4 incidents dealing with toxic people and I want to share how I was able to handle those situations and move forward in a positive direction in my life.
First, let’s define what a toxic person is:
A toxic person is someone who deliberately or undeliberately drains energy from you or causes you unneccessary drama or stress. Please keep in mind that what one person may find toxic may not be toxic to someone else, so on a grand scope of things it does depend on personality traits ext.
However, in this blog post I wont be focusing on individuals that are undeliberately being toxic but I want to focus on those who have toxic behavior patterns or may be trying to purposely cause uneccessary stress in your life like a narcisstic personality (as an example).
Some of the personality traits toxic people have are:
- Extremely Selfish
- Victim mentality
- Multiple Personalitys
- Very confusing
Remember that when you first meet someone they may only show a peice of these signs because they do not want to reveal who they truly are yet, but if your gut is telling you something bigger is going on with the person, do not ignore it!
Here is a more detailed list of what toxic people do in relationships:
1). They will keep you guessing:
Toxic people love to mess with people that they know may have a bit of codependancy or anyone that truly cares about other peoples feelings and well being. In fact, toxic people usually choose these people to manipulate because they get a kick at them chasing them down trying to figure out what’s wrong.
When your dealing with someone toxic they will have so many different personality types and random mood swings that you wont know who your dealing with that day.
This is because they have to keep the drama going and they need all of your mental energy to be focused on figuring them out. No one who truly loves you will keep you guessing about how they’re doing, because they will talk to you about it. Now also keep in mind that the narcissistic personality (toxic person) expecially loves pulling this card because they need you as an ego supply.
So when you ask them if their ok they will say “yes I’m doing ok or I’m doing great” yet their behaviour will be showing the complete opposite. Now do we all naturally do this from time to time yes but remember we are looking for patterns of behaviour.
2). One sided relationship:
Many times when dealing with toxic people you will feel like the relationship is a one sided deal. Meaning the toxic person in your life may be very needy and want you to be there for them when they call or are in help ext. but it seems when you call them they are no where to be found.
Or it seems they use to pick up the phone ext but all of a sudden they no longer have time. While this could happen for a variety of reasons, overall if the relationship is completely one sided it may be a clue your dealing with someone toxic.
Toxic people are usually extremely selfish meaning they will demand and expect that you do things for them that they have or will never do for you and they will also try to indirectly or non directly make you feel guilty for refusing to fall for it.
They will do this by coming up with some sob story of what’s currently going on in their life and how you should feel bad for them even though they’re the ones not being their for you. But dont go for it, one sided relationships are a sign of a toxic relationship.
*Keep in mind this is referring to relationships between two able adults.
3). They will always project:
Toxic people rarely have the ability to simply own their own feelings and express them to others. In other words, they wont tell you when their sad, mad, depressed ext. they will simply keep it inside and when you address it they will simply make it seem like your the problem.
Also, sometimes these people will be extremely passive aggressive so if you ask the question, they can make you seem like your crazy but let me be the first to say more than likely your not.
Projecting the problem on to others is what toxic and narcisstic people do all the time this is what they utilize to make you seem crazy and question what your gut is telling you.
4). They will wait to unmask:
Toxic people rarely will show their true selves at the beginning of the relationship and they will wait until they feel you truly trust them to pull out their wild cards. This is why I say most toxic people have allot of narcissistic traits because narcissistic people will do this often.
Toxic people typically need to know that their victim is fully invested in the relationship before they begin their crazyiness because they need to know that you actually care, because again this boost their ego even more and boosting their ego is what it’s all about.
So as an example, your toxic person may be a boss that will wait until you get comfortable on the job until they begin bothering you for no reason because they know you have kids and you get paid good and you need the work.
Or it could be someone who pretended to be a friend who was super cool at the beginning until you begin to share how you appreciate the friendship and love your conversations, than all of a sudden the mask came off and they stopped calling, hanging out or caring.
This is 2 of many other scenerios of what toxic people do when they unmask within a relationship. Also, typically in these type scenerios these people will over evaluate you and make you feel like your the only one on their mind ext. but it’s all a setup into the devaluation phase, which I will also be discussing in this article.
5). They rarely will sincerly apoligize:
Toxic people hate true repentance (being truly sorry) for anything. Toxic people, would rather play the blame game, make up peices in the story, make you feel sorry for their current state in life or completely deny the problem ever existed.
I know I get it, your a simple person who is expecting to speak to another person gently about the issue at hand and you can’t figure out why they cant admit and apoligize for something so obviously wrong.
But you must understand that’s not their agenda with you, they simply do not care about you or your feelings or they simply care about their feelings more. If the toxic person that your dealing with is narcissistic you can rest assure they dont care about your feelings and they are actually enjoying seeing you hurt, this is a sad yet a very true reality.
6). They will leave a conversation unfinished:
Another huge sign that your dealing with a toxic person is they will leave a conversation unfinished purposely. Again, toxic people get a kick out of you sqwondering around, wondering what on earth happened or is going on in a relationship.
They love it because this boost their ego because their so damaged they feel they cannot boost their ego any other way without feeling they need to hurt others in the process.
Out of no where these people will not answer your text, call you back or respond to you on social media, they will actually show their offline in allot of cases.
This is because they want to keep you guessing if their dead or alive or what is going on with them. Well I’m here to tell you more than likely their very much alive and are simply playing mind games with you.
7). They only want to see you down:
This one is tricky but a very important point because yes toxic people want to see you down but depending on the kind of toxic person your dealing with they may or may not want to be around during these times.
Sometimes toxic people will leave you while your going through a serious crisis in life at no fault of yours, to simply add the cherry on top.
Or they will stick around and act like your best friend but only because you being down makes them feel better about their current state. How you will know if this is the case, is when you get back on your feet they no longer want to be around or have nothing good to say.
8). They will drop subtle offenses:
Many times toxic people will not show you their true sevles completley at the beginning but they will test your tolerance level throughout your relationship to determine how much your willing to take.
So they may say small rude comments about your hair, weight, complexion, schooling, car ext. whatever they can find to determine if you will still put up with them.
If you put up with the rude comments without addressing the issue the comments will eventually graduate to other things like all out emotional abuse, physical abuse or neglect.
9). They Build Up To Discard:
One of the common traits of toxic or narcisstic people is that they will build you up with over complimenting you to discard you at the end. Many narcissists personalitys specifically do this to gain the trust of the victim so that the supply could be allot better for their ego.
This is why you want to be very very very careful of anyone outside a parent who is overly evaulating you with massive compliments because you can rest assure there is an agenda. You must know that the toxic person is trying to get you to fall head over heals for them, only to get played with in the end.
So don’t just give your heart away to someone who is overly fascinated with who you are.
Do these things instead:
- Study them, get to know people like a handbook before you
become emotionally invested, this will save you a ton of future heartaches.
- Address small bad behavior early and see how they react,
most narcissist and toxic people will hate accountability.
- Ask them specific good questions about times in their life like
their career and lifestyle get very specific with the questions.
Granted some people are naturally private about their finances
but ask them questions that will allow you to measure their
current mental balance of reality.Most narcissist and toxic people
hate ellaborating on specific details in their life because they dont
live in their actual reality on a daily basis so you can spot a narcissist
pretty easy with this technique. Also, they will know right out the gate
your very discerning and will probably immediately leave you alone,
which is great.
- See how they operate with others, do they tell others secrets?
Are they bashing others or mistreating people?
- See how their past relationships ended up.
- Trust your gut it’s rarely wrong and dont, ignore the obvious
warning signs because they will be there.
10). They are users:
Toxic people are also usually self entitled and users. In other words, they typically go into all of their relationships with the mindset of “what can I can I get from this person”.
They also typically have people in their life for majority of things they need. So they have multiple supplys around. as an example they may have supplys for money, ego stroke, connections ext. and when their done with one supply they simply will move on to the next, usually without at good bye.
So these are my top 10 signs that your in a toxic relationship with a toxic person. Remember, to keep in mind I’m not necessarily talking about a one time incident you may have with someone, though that may be a big sign of the person your dealing with. But overall I’m addressing an ongoing behavior pattern that a person has.
How to be set free from your toxic relationship:
To be set free their are a couple of things that you must do.
The first thing you must do is realize that the person is a toxic person and you must also understand that though toxic people live in denial they rarely ever NOT know what their doing. Now yes they may not know the name or psychological terms of their behavior but if their doing any of the signs obove consistently than yes they are very aware of their behavior.
2). Be Direct:
Try to speak with the person about it but before you do understand they may have a ton of tricks up there sleaves that you must be prepared for. When you speak with a toxic person who may even be narcissistic, they may deny, make you feel bad or even lie or add on to the story to try and confuse you or put you at a lost for words.
So go into the conversation hopeful yet knowing their tricks.
Also, keep in mind that the toxic person may avoid you and give you a silent treatment which is what narcissist do during the discard phase.
Please keep in mind that this person knows exactly what they are doing and I want you to know that you are not the issue because this is what narcissistic people do. They have a serious mental disorder and unfortunately they do not care about their victims they are simply using them as supply.
In the case where they will not pickup the phone or text you back. Simply go no contact with this person and do not accept them when they want to come back unless it’s your child, parent, spouse and they complete the 2 excersises below but no exceptions with anyone else. Please read and follow the 2 step solution at the end of this article regarding the recouncilation process.
3). Recouncilation vs. Getting Away:
I’m a firm believer that there are times to give grace to people because no ones perfect but before you do make sure they have sincerely repented for their behavior towards you. This does not mean them crying a river but it means make sure they choose to apoligize on their own for specific behavior towards you.
The apology must be specific do not take a broad apology as sincere and do not take crying as sincere because many toxic people are also great manipulators and would rather cry to keep from saying a specific uncoached apology.
Toxic people will try to make you verbally agree that you trust them again and usually immediately after an offense but do not. Guard your heart as the bible says “Proverbs 4:23 – Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life” and allow them an open space to build the blocks of trust again in the relationship. Anyone who’s apology is sincere and who cares for you will have no problem with the effort it will take to build trust in the relationship again.
If the toxic person in your life is someone you just met you may want to address the issue simply end the relationships. However, if the
the toxic person in your life is someone you love and would like to have around then utilize these two steps.
If the person is not willing to go throught these two steps to be in your life than get them out of your life or give them little to no access to make the boundaries to your heart clear.
Here is a video that will also cover more in depth on this topic.
Hopes this blog post helped you out if so I would love to hear below 🙂
Your Online Mentor,